Title: Not Kissing Joey
Author Amedia (amedia@fanfic.tv)
Fandom: Friends
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Joey/Chandler
Rating: PG-13 for detailed kissing lessons
Summary: Chandler is not kissing Joey.
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Feedback welcome

Disclaimer: no infringement intended

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"You're home early," Chandler slurred, squinting at Joey over the open door of the refrigerator.

"So are you. Earlier, even. 'Cause I'm home early, but you're already here." Joey beamed, looking pleased with his own cleverness; he appeared slightly less inebriated than Chandler, but equally disappointed. "Any beer in there?"

"Uh huh." Chandler handed him a cold bottle and took one for himself. They stood in the kitchen for a while, just concentrating on opening the beers, not saying anything.

Joey broke the silence first with a sudden outburst. "She said I had the IQ of a toaster oven!"

Chandler patted his shoulder. "That's an improvement, isn't it? That girl who dumped you last week said you had the IQ of a toaster."

Joey brightened. "That's right!"

"So you're moving rapidly up the appliance chain. Next week I bet you'll be a Radarange."

"Thanks, man." Joey took a swig of his drink. "What about you? What happened to your date?"

Chandler took a long drink from his beer. He didn't want to answer; the girl's words had said cut him to the quick. But this was Joey. Chandler had a certain respect for Joey's emotional transparency; Joey generally didn't hide things from Chandler, mostly because he couldn't hide anything from anybody, and Chandler didn't like to hide things from him. "She said I was a boring kisser," Chandler finally admitted.

Joey grinned. "Now there's a problem I've never had," he said with a happy and artless confidence that should have been annoying. Chandler found it endearing instead. Joey was dangerous that way. "Hey, why don't you show me how you kissed her, and maybe I can give you some pointers."

Chandler stared at him. "Are we that drunk?"

"Yeah, I think so," Joey said with a shrug. "Besides, you're my friend, I wanna help you."

Well, as long as he's doing this to help me get girls, thought Chandler. He took hold of Joey by the shoulders, leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. He might ordinarily have found the experience either unsettling or arousing, but he just kept thinking to himself over and over, I'm not kissing Joey. I'm showing him how I kiss.

When they broke apart, Joey looked thoughtful. "That wasn't bad," he finally said.

"Not bad?" said Chandler. "Not bad!" He tried the words out with varying expressions. "NOT bad. Not BAD. Hey, there's a shred of my ego left over there somewhere. Be sure you stomp on that piece, too."

"I'm sorry," Joey said sincerely. "I just mean...." he trailed off as if he couldn't put his thoughts into words. Chandler was used to that, and waited.

Joey's face went through some interesting convolutions as he struggled with the difficulty of expressing his ideas, then lit up as he clearly reached a breakthrough. "Tell you what. Let the T-man show you a trick or two."

Chandler started to say, "Let WHO do WHAT?" but Joey had put his hands on the side of Chandler's face and backed him up against the refrigerator, and was kissing him with such intensity that the most Chandler's overwhelmed consciousness could come up with was a little voice in the back of his head wondering whether "intensity" was the right word or whether "ferocity" would be more accurate. It wasn't until Joey released him and Chandler had gotten his breath back and refocused his eyes that he was able to resume his mantra. Joey wasn't kissing me. He was showing me how he kisses.

Joey was grinning at Chandler's reaction. "Hey hey? You see what I mean?" he said proudly.

Chandler stared at him. "That was...." He tried reformulating the sentence half-a-dozen times in his head and finally gave up. "Wow. How'd you do that?" Now that his heart had stopped pounding, it was quiet enough in his head to notice details. He raised a hand to his mouth. "Are my lips buzzing?"

Joey nodded. "It's that special Trebbiani touch, man. I learned it from one of the De Luca twins in high school." He drifted briefly into reminiscence. "I could never tell them apart with my eyes open."

Chandler waited a moment, watching Joey smile, and then began tapping his finger on the countertop. "Ahem."

"Oh, sorry, man! Anyway, you kinda hum without making any noise."

"You mean, subvocalize?"

"If it makes you feel better to say it in Latin, go right ahead," Joey said with a gracious wave. "Yeah, anyway, it makes your lips vibrate. Here, you try it."

Still not kissing Joey, Chandler thought as he leaned forward again and tried to follow the instructions he'd been given. When he let Joey go, he got a big smile this time.

"There, you see?" Joey said proudly. "That was great."

Chandler felt an idiotic grin creeping over his face and tried to squelch it, but he was either too drunk or too happy.

"Next lesson," Joey continued, "is--"

"Next lesson?" Chandler interrupted. What have I gotten myself into?

"Hey, I got some brand loyalty here to consider. You use the T-man's techniques, you gotta make the T-man look good!"

"Whatever happened to 'That was great'?" Chandler glared at the floor, working up a good sulk.

"That was great! A great beginning. But you wanna go on from there, right?" Joey chucked Chandler under the chin, bringing his face up. "Right?"

"Yeah, right," Chandler agreed. Joey's enthusiasm was not quite contagious, but it did make him hard to resist.

"Look, here's the next hurdle. When you start to go French with this, you're going to lose the vibration, 'cause you can't hum with your mouth open. You with me?"

"Yeah, I see what you mean."

"So you what you need to do is add something else to kinda smooth the transition. It doesn't have to be anything in particular. Just something nice." And without further warning, Joey kissed him again.

It wasn't quite as ferocious this time, and Chandler had almost gotten enough of consciousness back that he could tell himself we aren't actually kissing, it's a just a lesson, when he felt Joey's hands moving up inside his shirt, against his bare back. Chandler was reasonably sure that the back wasn't an erogenous zone, so he couldn't explain the electric tingle that seemed to accompany the warmth of Joey's touch. Then he abruptly realized that Joey's tongue was in his mouth. Am I supposed to be freaking out now? he asked himself. Yeah, probably. But he was enjoying the sensation far too much to object.

Joey pulled back and regarded Chandler carefully. Chandler responded with all the detachment he could muster. "Ah, yes, I see what you mean," he said, as if Joey had just demonstrated a new facet of double- entry bookkeeping.

Bad analogy he said to himself, immediately banning all words such as "double-entry" from his interior vocabulary.

"Okay, you show me," Joey said, looking genuinely pleased.

It was on the tip of Chandler's tongue to say, No thanks, I got it, and make a dash for his room. Either his pride or his curiosity got in the way, though, and he found himself with his lips on Joey's again and his hands on Joey's shoulders. He concentrated on not-quite-humming until he felt it was time for a transition. He moved his hands up Joey's neck and buried them in Joey's hair, simultaneously opening his lips and plunging his tongue into Joey's mouth with sudden abandon. I have always wanted to do this, he admitted to himself, running his fingers through Joey's silky hair, lost in sensation. Then another part of his mind insisted, Don't forget, you're not kissing Joey--

Oh, shut up, he told that part of his mind as he slowly withdrew and looked into Joey's eyes.

This time it was Joey who was gasping for breath and trying to refocus. Joey made a visible effort to collect himself and finally said, "What'd I tell you?"

"Not bad?" Chandler asked hopefully.

Joey laughed. "You--" he said, lightly poking Chandler's chest with a finger, "could get anyone to sleep with you if you kissed 'em like that."

"Anyone?" Chandler asked, not daring to add, even you?

"Anyone," Joey said firmly.

They stared at each other for a long moment. This is the time, Chandler thought to himself, but he couldn't bring himself to make a move. Finally he cleared his throat and said, "Thanks, man. I mean, really."

"Anytime," Joey said, and turned toward the living room.

The time was almost past, and Chandler finally unfroze. He reached for Joey's arm and turned him back around. "Hey, T-man," he said, pulling Joey closer, "how you doing?"

And then he really was kissing Joey.

THE END

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